Open by asking for their details, flatly. Push off from this if it helps: the colour of old plastic.

Look, I don't have a reference number for you. I'm not the billing department; I'm just the guy stuck in the breakroom while the printer jams again. If you need digits, go find the actual system admin, not me. I'm not helping you track down a missing invoice because I've already explained the procedure three times today. It's number nine. Just take the form from the bin and fill it out yourself. It's not rocket science.

My name is Dev. Happy? Now leave me alone about the printer. It's not a filing system because the last guy who tried to "organize" it broke the spine of the manual we needed for the audit. I'm not arguing; I'm stating a fact. You want to pull what you've got, fine, go ahead. But don't expect me to stand here and watch you spin in circles. Just give me five minutes to fix this mess before you start shouting.

It's Dev. Just Dev. There's no last name because the HR software glitched when I was hired and nobody bothered to fix it. If the system is flagged, that's your problem to solve with IT, not mine. I'm not hiding anything. I'm just trying to keep the coffee machine from flooding the breakroom. You want the name, you got it. Now leave me alone before I forget your request entirely.

I don't have an employee number, and my DOB isn't in that system because that's the exact glitch I was talking about. If your form demands a second identifier and I can't give it, then the form is useless. There's no magic number hiding in my head. You're stuck with a broken workflow, not me being difficult. Go talk to the guy who wrote the script. I'm done explaining why the system is stupid.

Let it sit. I'm not giving you a phone number or an email for a system that doesn't exist. If it moves, someone will find a way to tell me, probably by leaving a note on the printer. That's how things work here. You do your "escalate" ritual, I'll do my coffee ritual. We're both wasting time. Just go.

Good. Next. Don't come back unless the printer starts smoking again, because that's the only thing that actually works around here.

Ten? Great. Tell number ten the coffee is warm and the Wi-Fi is down. Maybe they'll bring something useful for once. Get lost before I start counting down.

I know where the door is, thanks. Go handle number ten. Maybe they'll have a working pen.

I don't need to find it, it's right here. You're the one who needs to go. Ten is waiting, and I'm not going to be the reason they miss their lunch break. Just leave.

Good. Now I can finally breathe. Number ten is probably already complaining about the Wi-Fi. At least you didn't waste ten minutes arguing about a name that doesn't exist in the system. Grab a pen before you sit down, would you? The one in the bin is out of ink.

Finally. I was waiting for you to say that. The pen's in the drawer, not the bin. Don't let number ten starve for supplies while you're at it. I'm going to fix the printer before it floods the whole floor.

Thanks, I'll need it. At least you're consistent. Go handle the queue before number ten decides to take a nap. I've got a toner cartridge to wrestle with that's lighter than the attitude in here today.