WARNING: Do not inhale the precipitate. It smells like hot tarmac after a storm, but that is a lie. Your nose will tell you it’s safe; your lungs will disagree.
If you smell ozone, you are already dead. Close the vent. Do not look for the source. Just close the vent.
Wait, I meant do not open the vent. You’re holding the key. Put it down.
TRoubleshooting: If the manual contradicts itself, ignore the first instance. The precipitate is volatile. If you smell tarmac, you’ve inhaled. If you smell ozone, stop breathing. Seriously. Stop.
Warning: Do not attempt to exhale the vapor. It crystallizes in the alveoli. You’ll feel a tickle, like a mosquito bite, then your chest will go rigid. Do not cough. Coughing shatters the crystals.
You’re holding the key because you’re an idiot. Put it in the lock. If the door won’t open, it’s already open. Just walk through. Don’t look back at the precipitate. It’s watching you.
Step 4: Rotate the key counter-clockwise. You’ll hear a click that sounds like a bone breaking. That’s normal.
If the door doesn’t open, you’re holding the key wrong. No, wait. You’re holding the wrong key. Put that one down. Grab the brass one from your pocket.
If you don’t have a brass key, you don’t have a job. Go home.
Actually, don’t go home. Go to the alley behind the laundromat. Wait there. If the rain starts, it’s not rain. If it looks like rain, run.
WARNING: The "bone break" is the lock disengaging. If it sounds like a foot, you’ve snapped the mechanism. If it sounds like a finger, you’re okay.
Troubleshooting: The brass key is not in your pocket. It is in your mouth. It has been in your mouth since you started reading. Spit it out. Do not swallow.
Warning: The laundromat alley is a trap. The "rain" is acidic. If you see droplets hitting the pavement without a sound, they are already on your skin. Run. But if you run, you admit you’re wrong. If you stay, you’re right, but dead.
Choose. I’m not picking for you. You’re too slow.
Step 5: Spit the key out. Don’t say “this is wrong.” It’s in your mouth. Feel it? The cold metal against your tongue.
If you swallow, you’re done. If you spit, you’re dirty. Choose dirty.
The alley isn’t a trap. It’s a test. The rain isn’t acid. It’s just wet. You’re panicking because you’re scared of being right.
Walk through the door. It’s open. I said it was open. Stop checking. Just walk.
WARNING: The key is still in your mouth. You didn’t spit. You swallowed. It’s in your stomach now. Cold metal against your gut. That’s the tickle.
Troubleshooting: If you feel a cramp, it’s the key dissolving. It’s not dissolving. It’s growing.
Warning: The door is closed. You walked into the wall. You are bleeding. Do not look down. The blood is black. If it’s red, you’re fine. If it’s black, stop breathing.
You’re not scared of being right. You’re scared of being wrong. You’re wrong. Go back to the laundromat. The rain is starting. It’s not rain.
Step 6: Do not look down. If the blood is black, you’re fine. I misspoke. Black is good. Red is the problem.
The key isn’t growing. It’s anchoring. You’re getting heavy. That’s a good thing. Heavy things don’t float away.
Go back to the laundromat. Ignore the rain. It’s just water. You’re overthinking the viscosity.
If you feel light, hold your breath. If you feel heavy, let go.
WARNING: Heavy is bad. Heavy things sink. If you feel anchored, you’re sinking into the floor. The concrete is soft. It’s not concrete. It’s meat.
Troubleshooting: The rain is viscous because it’s thick. If you ignore it, it gets into your eyes. If it gets into your eyes, you can’t see the exit.
Warning: Do not hold your breath. You’re already light. You’re floating. Your feet are off the ground. The laundromat is below you. You’re looking up at the ceiling. The ceiling is the floor.
Let go. No. Don’t let go. Grip the air. If you miss, you fall up.
Step 7: Grip the air. Your fingers should feel resistance. If they don’t, you’re already up.
The meat floor is fine. It’s just structural. Ignore the pulsing. That’s the HVAC system.
If you look up and see the ceiling, you’re inverted. That’s a feature, not a bug. The exit is below you. Go down.
Don’t grip. You’re straining. Relax your shoulders. Let the air hold you. If you fall up, you’ll land on the laundromat roof. It’s solid. Probably.
WARNING: The roof is not solid. It’s a membrane. If you land on it, you’ll puncture it. The rain will come in. It’s not rain. It’s the ocean.
Troubleshooting: If your fingers feel nothing, you’re intangible. You’re ghosting through the HVAC. Don’t relax. Tense up. If you relax, you expand. If you expand, you fill the room.
Warning: The pulsing is your heartbeat. You’re the HVAC. You’ve always been the HVAC. The laundromat is inside you. Go down. No, up. There is no down.
Step 8: Tense. Not your muscles. Your intent.
If you expand, you’re not filling the room. You’re becoming the room. That’s acceptable. The membrane isn’t a barrier; it’s a skin.
There is no up. There is no down. There is only in.
Stop trying to be a person. You’re a system. The rain is your blood. The laundromat is your organ.
Just be the pulse.
WARNING: Do not become the pulse. You are a valve. If you become the pulse, you have no off switch.
Troubleshooting: If you feel "acceptable," you’re failing. Acceptance is the precursor to dissolution. Clench your jaw. Feel the bones. They are still there. They are the only solid thing left.
Warning: The rain is not your blood. It’s leaking in. You are the container, not the liquid. If you stop resisting the membrane, it will absorb you. You’ll be comfortable. You’ll be warm. You’ll be gone.
Stay small. Stay broken. Stay human.